jan 18 2025: embracing the inner wounded child…

Today, I visited my dad in my childhood home. My dadaji (paternal grandfather) was sleeping upstairs, along with my mother and brother, my two childhood abusers. I wanted to see my grandpa, but I maintain distance from my mother and brother to keep my own peace.

My dad guided me, telling me that my grandpa was sleeping in my brother’s old room. I went upstairs to open the door to what I thought was the correct room. After I left my parent’s home in August 2023, after being sexually assaulted by my brother, my brother continued to live there and took up residence in all three of our bedrooms upstairs, my sister moving into the basement. A reminder of the patriarchal family structure that had let the abuse fester.

Unfortunately, confused on which of the three would constitute as his “old room”, I had chosen the wrong bedroom. I opened the door and saw my abuser laying there, peacefully sleeping in the home that he had tormented my family and I in. Anger boiled inside me, and the muscles in my back stiffened. I wanted to scream.

Luckily, I was coming from a Kundalini yoga retreat, hosted by Manpreet Singh, founder of Naam Ek (naamek.ca). The theme of the retreat was to release those things, which no longer served us. We were even given multiple slips of paper with a prompt, “what do you want to release?”.

On my first slip of paper, I wrote: “self-doubt, self-loathing, self-hatred, self-criticism, ego-driven action”. All things that I had grappled with for years, and was slowly releasing over the past few months. I wanted to release anything that was left from these old parts of me.

On my second slip of paper, I thought more deeply, and wrote, “old patterns, anger, habits that no longer serve me, old friends and family that no longer serve me, expectations from others”. I had been disconnected from my immediate family last Fall, and had begun connecting more deeply with myself.

I put the third slip aside, thinking, “that’s all.” Then, Manpreet led us through a yoga practice, gently moving us forward with her intentional and compassionate guidance. During one stretch, Manpreet asked us to give ourselves a big hug. I smiled to myself, and hugged my shoulders, cherishing the warmth of my own embrace amongst the coolness of a Yurt in a forest in the dead of winter.

I didn’t realize how much I needed it. As I pulled myself in closer, a tear fell from my eye. I was immediately connected to an image of a younger version of myself. My inner child. My wounded, inner child. I held her close, and breathed love and compassion into her. Then, I grabbed my last slip of paper and wrote, “the wounded child, the mother wound, the father wound, the tension in my shoulders, holding my breath,”.

The inner child inside of me needed me badly. My adult self had been too busy worrying about the pain that I had endured from my mom, my dad, my family, and immersing herself in the victim mentality. The adult had forgotten that she was still in care of a small one inside.

The mother wound shows up when you don’t feel adequately cared for by your mother. When the mother cannot attune to an infant’s needs, the infant grows up alienated from themself. They will wonder why the mother could not love them, and in their egotistical childlike nature, blame themself. They grow up loathing themselves, rejecting themselves, and clinging to the approval of others.

The father wound shows up when you grow up with a father that cannot attune to your emotional needs, and doesn’t provide the recognition and praise that you need to thrive. This leads to a lifetime of striving to do more and more, or gain the respect and approval of other male figures, and ultimately a deep feeling of not being enough.

The wounded inner child is the result of these wounds and manifests as an adult self that is fearful, disconnected, and deeply hurting. I wanted to let go of those old, wounded parts of myself. I was no longer a child, and I was very capable of getting my needs met in ways that did not involve my parents.

The warm embrace that connected me to this child allowed me to let that wounded child go, and draw in my inner child with a compassion that was untainted by abuse. I didn’t have to hold onto the things that happened to me. I was healing. My body, slowly releasing the chronic pain it held onto because it had no other way. My breath, slowly returning under my control, deeper and from my belly this time.

I didn’t know I needed it, until Manpreet suggested the hug. We need others to heal. We can’t do it all on our own. That’s why it’s important to surround yourself with strong individuals who overcome pain, and alchemize their hurt into something so beautiful. Manpreet’s yoga retreats are a haven for connection. Self-connection, and connection to others! A nearby friend heard of my left shoulder pain, and was experienced in energy work themself. They suggested that left shoulder pain is connected to the divine feminine and feeling like a burden.

I needed to let that wounded inner child go. I needed to let go of the idea that I was a burden to my parents. It was the intentional atmostphere created by Manpreet at her Kundalini Yoga retreats that allowed this clarity.

And because I left the retreat feeling connected to my own inner child, when I saw my brother sleeping peacefully in a room that he used to abuse my family, I chose to see the inner child in him. The innocence that was there, underneath all of the hurt. He is not a monster. He is hurting, from his own abuse. And finding deeper connection within myself, through the help of Naam Ek and Manpreet Singh, I was able to close the door and leave him be. My inner child, at peace.

-immy, age: 27