jan 23 2025: everybody cries on their birthday, right?

Last year, on my birthday, I thought, “I can’t kill myself today, that would be too dramatic.”

This year, I am smiling with friends I didn’t know back then, in a space I finally feel safe in, with a purpose, and more alive than ever.

Give. Yourself. Time.

Ever since I remember, I’ve cried on my birthday. I think a lot of you can relate. It’s such a bittersweet reminder of the passing of your life, and especially painful when you are experiencing suicidality. I used to hate the attention of people congratulating me for another year lived, when I was desperately clinging for a reason to stay connected to this life. There is a dark hopelessness at the core of suicidality that makes it feel like there will be no end to your suffering.

That’s why one of the greatest antidotes to my own suicidal ideation is remembering that the world is not against me. My dadaji (paternal grandfather) has many famous one-liners that all his grandchildren are quite familiar with.

My favourite? “Smile, God loves you.”

If God is not the right word for you (it’s not for me, personally), replace it with what is.

“Smile, the Universe loves you.”

“Smile, Earth loves you.”

When you experience trauma, it changes how you view the world. Trauma can be so inexplicably harsh and painful, and we are naturally meaning-making beings. We may start to believe that it is actually the world that is harsh and against us. While incredibly protective, this insidious line of thought can lead us to cut ourselves off from the world in order to survive.

The truth? We need this world, and others to survive. We are not separate from any other living being. In fact, it is that separation between us and the rest of life that causes so much pain. That’s why I love my dadaji’s one-liner, the world doesn’t hate you. It is not against you. Life exists together, and you are apart of that.

I still cried today (gotta’ stay consistent lol). The occasion served as a reminder of how much my life has changed this past year. These tears belonged to the grief in my heart that still looks for my family members around me. The grief of a small child that is still coping with loss. But, I also laughed, hard. I danced. I made music. And I rejoiced, realizing, that there is space for it all on my birthday.

Getting one year older is no small feat. You go, immy!

-immy, age: 28